for a short period of time

for a short period of time i got to see what it would be like to be with this one girl. even tho it was pretend. but i could only hope in the future that it will happen for real, if its with her or a girl of my dreams. a kid can dream right? and if i can dream i wish i could sleep and dream forever because it feels good

old habits

i have fallen into my old habits once again. i thought i left that part of my life behind but it seems like it has found a way to sneak back into my soul. i want it to leave but for now i have no choice but to welcome it and let it live in me for this time being.

slit

lost in college

so basically im lost in college. i dont know what to do right now. im pretty sure that i am changing my major from business to communications. i am so lost. i am just trying to find that major that i am good at so i can get good grades and at the same time find a major that will help me succeed in life and so i can use it for a job and make money. god why cant i just win the lotto? 

So High

So High

You got me feeling so high

That I can touch the sky

I wisp past the clouds

And look down at watch the crowd 

The people look so small from this view

But the person who sticks out the most is you

You give me a high that I never had before

When im with you I always want more

You are better than any chronic ive ever had

Always in a constant laugh

You got me laughing till tear drip out of my eyes

Its crazy how you became mine

I want to be your everything, plus more

U got me feeling this feeling that I cant describe

When I hear your voice I know things are going to be alright

How did u get me feeling this way?

Always wanting to see u everyday

When I talk to u, I dunno what to say

I stutter when I say yo name

You got me so high that I think im superman

Wanting to save you from everything that makes u sad

Id take a bullet for you

Because I promised you

That I would protect you

From any dangers that may come to you

From anything that would threaten you

From anything that would hurt you

I’ll always keep that promise I made to you

Girl im so high

Cuz I swear I see sparkles and stars in your eyes

I know you are giggling and thinking that was hella cliché 

But you have to admit I got you speechless, not knowing what to say

Girl I bet you think I am lame

But deep inside you know I just made your day ;-D

help

i think im going to end up getting help again. my mental health isnt looking good at all. did an evaluation and it came to what i feared most. it says i may have extreme depression and anxiety. so my friend is going to go with me to the shrink so i can get help again. man back to the shrink. i dont think being at home helps very much either. i feel like im a disappointment, a failure, just a shitty person in general when it comes to school and life. but outside of school and my house, i feel like i can do anything because the only person i can disappoint is my self and i dont mind that at all. i think i need a vacation, or to win the lottery. ta-ta for now. i just hope i can get better and become my self again

secret feelings

girl, when i look in your eyes

i still get butterflies inside

i get nervous when i am around you

i dont even know what to do

when u smile, i cant help to do the same

i still stutter when i try to say your name

girl you are so cute, so pretty

u are getting me all jittery

i can hold a conversation with you with ease

and you are the one i want to please

i want to make you feel like you are the best

because you are, u are better than the rest

your hand i want to caress 

and in your heart is where i want to rest

you are a queen in my mind

but im sorry my feeling i must hide

because i fear that we dont see eye to eye

Thanksgiving

i find it kind of funny how i dont really care about thanksgiving. when i was younger i learned that thanksgiving was when friends and family all came to one house, ate, drank and laughed. i experienced all this until high school and college. little by little i watched as less and less family gathered for thanksgiving. i wondered why this was happening and i soon learned that my dad loves to pick fights with people. so now people dont want to come here anymore for any kind of family gatherings. then my freshmen year in college, i watched my great grandmother die the day before thanksgiving. no, my parents were not there to comfort me, my dad had more important places to go to, golf. if i remember correctly my dad went to play golf in the bay, la or vegas. i dont really remember. but he left the day before thanksgiving, the same day i watched my great grandma die and guess how my thanksgiving was, i was alone. no family at all. so at the last minute i called as many friends as i could because my friends were always there for me, they were there for me more than my own dad. and after years i have watched my thanksgiving get worse because the only people who are coming to thanksgiving and the only people i am going to see is my grandma and her boyfriend and my uncle and his wife. thats it. its a big change from 40+ people to what? 10? so what am i really thankful for? i would have to say my friends, the friends who stayed, the friends who cared, my true friends. that is what i am thankful for. 

but on a tangent-

last night i finally felt something i havent felt in years, i felt what it was like to feel my heart beat, it be warm, and what it was like to get goosebumps just from talking to them, from not wanting to sign off/hang up the fone even though you are hella tired. i wish things could be how it used to be, because u are still in my heart, and i am happy i did not burn your letters and pictures because thats all i have left. you still make me get goosebumps girl, you still give me butterfiles and there has only been 2 girls who has ever done that to me, and thats u and this other girl. thank you stephanie for reminding me what it feels like to feel like that. 

cont of thanks giving wow i had a feeling that thanksgiving was going to suck. one no one really took the time to wake me up for dinner, and when i was taking a shower and i have my dad yelling to hurry up to eat. my dad was being such a dick saying to hurry up so my brother was like fine!!!!!! and came down half dressed and my dad was all get back up there and put a fucking shirt on. hhahahha funny shit. and the whole night my uncle/ my dads brother was just trying to make convo with him and my dad was being a dick and being all snobbly. pretty fucked up to me. god i wish i wasnt here and was having thanksgiving with my friends. to make it plain and simple my thanks giving sucked.

In the Event of my failure

In the event of my failure

And my heart grows old

I hope you all remember

I tried with all my soul

I never fully gave up

I always tried to reach my goals

I was always my self

And my personality was always bold

I may have not been perfect

But I have been told

That I am genuine

And my heart is made of gold

If I graduate

And I go to this school no more

I lived my education years to the fullest

And never with a bore

I may not have been the most studious

And never got perfect scores

But I attacked each task

With a mighty roar

Life has given me many keys

So I can open one of the doors

I have only opened one

And I know there are a lot more

Rough draft

here is a rough draft of a new poem i am working on. i was suppose to present it at the next AB Samahan meeting but i found out i have a test. well keep in mind it is just a rough draft and i will be working on it when i get time to perfect it. enjoy

realized

so i just realized that i have a crush on someone i didnt think i had a crush on. i actually liked the person before but, i decided not to do anything because i had a feeling she didnt like me, especially because of my vices. but i think its too late now anyways, i think my heart is having a hard time figuring out stuff. i think i like too many people and it sucks. but the ones i do like i like them for them, not just because they are cute but because they are their own person. 

anyways i found my old poems from middle school and highschool and im going to start posting them and remixing them, because i have found more to add to them, so basically i am remixing them. enjoy...here is one

The Outcast (remix) 

i am the outcast in school

people think i am a fool

i am like a damaged rose

who has not yet arose 

i am like a bird who can not fly

who is destined not  fall and die

I listen to different music, and wear different clothes

i am isolated, like time has froze

i am the outcast here

i am meant to live without friends, i am suppose to live in fear

till the end

i watch the clock as time bends

i wait to see what god sends

i await a letter 

that has the answers

to all the questions i have 

so i can live my life at last 

i dont want to be the outcast anymore

but i realized that i am, and i have so much more

i have much more than anybody

and i have learned to accept my body

i have learned to accept my mind

my soul

my goals

my fears

my past

my future 

i have learned to accept my self

so i have come to realize that i am the outcast

i have come to realize that i am normal 

i have come to realize that you are the outcast

i have come to realize that i dont want to be normal

i will not conform 

to the typical form

to the mold

that you hold

but deep inside i do want to be accepted in this society

but right now i am content with what has been given to me

dilemma

i have noticed that i have put my self out in the world and now i think i have too much to handle on my plate. i have not been following my heart, but it seems like i keep on trying to fill that void in it. i flirt way too much and that has bitten me in the ass because i think i have attracted too many people but none of them i am really can see my self in a relationship with. i guess there is one but whats the point of that one because i dont really have a chance with her. and knowing my luck, her heart has probably fallen for someone else. and since i started this blog spot, u are invited to follow me in my journey that i call life

Words

i have realized that writing takes my stresses away
and that sum how i found people who can relate 
when im in a dark or sad state
i can just take a pen and paper and write about my day

i am still the lost asian, that not going to change
my life, my mind, my heart always seem to rearrange 
my life, my mind, my heart always end up on this blog page
my pen, my paper, my friends are the only thing that keeps me sane 

so let me just get to the point of my blog
my words, my friends, my pen are the sun that clears the fog
i make mistakes, i fail, im imperfect, and still a little lost
but my mistakes, my failures, my imperfections are what make me, me
and i think that makes me pretty boss