i am moving

im moving to tumbr. this is where i will be updating for now on. if you still want to read my stuff and what not just go to this link

xxthelostasianxx.tumblr.com

it feels like something is missing in my life. its summer time and i see all the couples walking around or pictures of couples. i was on myspace and came across a bulletin about relationships and i noticed i haven’t been in too many relationships which makes me pretty new to the game. what i know is that i am happier when I’m in a relationship. i want to be in something that will last longer than 2 months (my longest relationship). it would be nice to have someone to hold and look into their eyes and know u would take care of them as much as you take of your self. i guess i like to dream, but who doesn’t?

“Cause in the end
The ash falls off the cigarettes
The sun still sets
And I hope you know
That I’ll still love you in the morning
When it rises”

—	Jesse Barrera

the days roll by and im stuck in this routine
i am in dire need for a new scene
a different atmosphere
a new sound in my ear
i want to break this chain
i dont want to live like this where everything is the same
im ready to wake up to a different day

it kind of sucks when you realize that you are always placed in the friend zone. nothing seems to change i guess. another thing is when a friend says nice guys finish last, and again you realize that its you, the nice guy who is finishing last. when will things change? change would be nice from this routine of mine.

am i really that nice of a guy that i get placed in the friend zone? am i so nice that i have to finish last? change isn't too much to ask for.

opportunities have been lost in my eyes. chances were never given. not even a date. i think if i was given a chance, who ever that person is would have a wonderful time with me. smiles on their face, comfort in their heart, security on their body, and relief in their mind. but do i really have a say in this? yes i do because everyone i've dated hasn't complained, only agreement on what i have stated.

the songs

i was surfing around the facebook site and came across a couple singing together. it made me feel jealous. i was jealous because i want what they have. i want to sing together with my girl (where ever she is). and the songs ive been listening to have been making me like singing

poem/song/rap coming soon

while being productive in class, i came across a girls update, it was a girl that i liked for a year or 2 and memories about when i tried to holler.

it really sucks when you know something could have been really good, a wonderful relationship, an understanding relationship, a trusting relationship, a relationship that was worth trying...but what keeps me from that? age. wow. just because i am younger than her by 2 years. being younger makes her feel weird, odd, out of the norm. she knows i can treat her right, she knows i was there when ever she was feeling down, we both have a lot in common, but AGE is the factor that holds me and her back from something that could be good.

so is age really that big of a factor, when the years are only 2-3? is age really worth not giving a chance to someone? its funny because you know we both have so much in common. but what holds YOU back, is the fact that i am 2-3 years younger.

but what can i do but move on because i am tired of not getting a chance, when i give chances to others

karma whats up with that?

so i am sitting in my communication class. this class really gets me thinking about relationships, and dating. there has been so many aspects of my life and personality that has changed, but one thing that hasnt changed is my courtesy. is opening doors really that surprising? oh well. thats how i am

dates? non-existent. like i said i am not going to go out and chase someone down anymore, i am going to sit back and see if i catch anyones eye, and then i am pretty sure i am going to give it a shot.

only one person has done my application that i made, she passed, but then left. anyone else out there going to give it a shot?

The List-Give it a try?

i havent posted in a while

i just notived that i havent posted anything for uch a long time. i have been so busy with school work and life. so what to write?

spring break was nice. i went to the beach which was hella fun. hung out with my new friend Sporty and had a bonfire with the guys and a few girls. you can say it ended with a good feeling...yea a quicky...something that is way too hard for me to do haha

the biggest event was going clubbing with Puffy. lets just say, got way too drunk and puked and i dont remember what else happened. i guess i got into a fight with a door. and my friend had my keys, i was in mira mesa, and she lives in rancho san diego

well i got to get back to class. love ya for the peope are reading this

was it worth a try

Was is worth a try

To ask you to be mine

Your smile makes me blush

When I’m with you I have self control and I dont have to rush

You make me warm, with just a touch

When I talk you, tell me to hush

But it was just a dream

Just the same ol scene

Rejection is what you deemed

You are such a heartbreaker

The master taker

A professional faker

You taght me to keep my walls up

And not to give a fuck

Sorry your shit out of luck

And saying sorry ain’t enough

i dont know if you miss me

but i do miss how we used to be very much 

women love to wear make-up but why? to me make-up is a way to hide. to me make up is a mask. women think that makeup makes them more beautiful, but what they dont know is that most of them put on way too much. 

make up to me is suppose to be a way to accent ones face but in my opinion the women i meet dont need makeup, because they are beautiful already. 

i find it funny when i meet this gorgeous girl but she is hiding behind this thick layer of mascara, blush, toner, lipstick and eye shadow. she is hiding her real beauty.

women must think that all guys expect them to wear expensive clothes, to wear mac makeup and always have their nails done, but they are wrong. real guys, including me, are happy with the women who are comfortable with them selves. we are happy to see them in non expensive clothes and little to no make up at all.

i just wish women’s self-esteem  would increase because most guys including me would love to see women’s true beauty and not their mask they hide behind.

i feel

i feel left out

i just realized

i just realized that i have some good friends. i was smoking hookah and studying with my friend drew. drew is a good good friend, i would say a pretty close one, cuz he knows alot of my secrets and my personal life, and well we took a break from studying to talk and feel like human beings again. i told him about my problems, and stressed, we talked about relationships and the usual guy thing, girls ahah. we have alot in common in all of those but in the end, it felt good to hear him say that i am a strong person, and that im here after all the shit ive gone through and still going through today. and it feels good to feel and see what its like to have real friends, ones that wont hurt you. i hope the friends i have now, the close ones, stay with me through out my college career and after college. thank you all who has been and still here with me, thank you for the ones who are true people. thank you all.

this girl

It's so hard to see the girl you like and not say anything because she  
has you speechless. It's hard because she doesn't know how much you  
like her and that you would never do anything to hurt her and that you  
won't be like all the other guys that she has been with. It's crazy  
that I have liked this girl for the past three years and I have yet to  
even hold her hand or even go on a date with her. She is so cute smart  
funny and she is the kind of girl that you can take home to mom and  
dad. A guy can dream right?

feels good to be right

i recall a "friend" or "ex-friend" crying on the floor in a public area saying he wishing things could be the same or id give up her just to be friends again. i recall the person telling me to my face before the crying ordeal that he would drop the girl so that we could hopefully be friends again. i recall this person this person that he made mistakes and would never make these same mistakes again because he knew it was wrong. what to my surprise, he tells me that they were making out or kissing, i dont remember, and in his head he said that he knew it was wrong, and that he should be doing this because it would fuck up our friendship or what was left of it even more. after him telling me that i told him im going back inside cuz im tired of it, and this revolving door, and thats when he falls to the ground crying infront of my other friend. the girl tells me that he deleted her off facebook, that he said he aint talking to her anymore and not to say hi or sumthing of that nature, basically cutting her off completely. and the girl tells me that she isnt going to talk him back cuz shes so hurt about what he said. i told her that it wasnt going to last that long, and they would start talking again because this whole thing has been a giant circle. and what do u know?! i was right. it feels oh so good to be right. they are dead to me now, they are bull shit. and my new quote that i made up is...

"if there is bull shit in your life and its in the way, its only bull shit, walk over it or around it and keep going on with your life =]"

i dont need these people in my life, because all they did was bring me heart break, stress, anger, and oh so much more. i dont deserve this shit right now in my life, cuz i have more than enough going on. so fuck u noel and fuck u angela. and hello future roads ahead =]

fuck my life

this website is so funny! and i found sum good ones

here a couple 

"Today, I was on the internet with my Dad looking up information about allergies. I began to type 'allergies' into the Google Search Box and as I typed 'a', the phrase 'amazing sex positions' popped up as a search I had already looked up. My Dad asked me if any of the positions worked out. FML"

"Today, I sent a text to my boyfriend saying 'Come over and have sex with me.' He never responded. FML"

in recent events

in recent events, there have been drama, heart breaks, friendships and what not. the reason i became extremely upset was not because of a girl but for the principles that were violated and broken. i am pretty sure people who know me were aware of my feelings and there was something wrong in my life. 

the whole situation started because a friend did something shady in my eyes and in the eyes of others. i understand that the person has been sorry and has been saying sorry but to me they are just words and the actions that were done speak louder and are way stronger than words. i also placed in front of the person facts and the option to proceed with what he was doing. i will admit it was a trap and if you think that is fucked up of me then fine but the trap was to see what kind of person he was. you have 2 options, to go for the cheese or walk away, and he went for the cheese and the trap fell down. 

there are so much more to this situation but this is just the gist of it. time to move on. every dog has his day and it is his day

jealous much?

wow i feel like people may plan their intentions because i know sumone who put me on this big guilt trip saying i was cock blocking and when i step down there he swoops in. wow right? idk if i have a right to be mad or jealous but fuck this feeling sucks. what a way to enter my birthday, which is less than a week away. i really just want to move away or break sumthing and shit. fuck

Its a new year

so this is a new year for me. you know what that means? a new person for skool but the same person in the past. i have not dumbed down or lowered my self but i have grown. money is tight for me because this year i payed a grand and a half for skool because i did bad last year. i am ready to take down my classes. i am going to try to get as much distractions away from me and do well. i am going to surround my self with motivated people and get out of this skool. family is still the same, i watched my lola and mom bicker over sumthing dumb and it was funny cuz it was my moms fault. i have new poems but i have yet to work on them to the point that they are ready for posting. i will update more when my class is done.   

girls, dating, friend. rant

i just realized that i should just get over this girl, who is my friend, because why risk a friendship. plus she is talking to sumone. i guess its better to save a friendship. i have been talking to a friend and she said that i should just not date or even talk to gurls because i guess they are what i feel like is missing in my life. im tired of dating. i want to be with a girl who will stay. the kinda girl i can take home to mom and dad and have them say, wow she is cool and nice. i want to have that girl i can fart around and we can just joke around. i know that everyone is looking for the same girl that im looking for but i want her 1st and soon. how confusing. haha. that is my rant for today

i am...this will be an on going poem/spoken word

i am a bread addict 

i laugh at stupid static

i am chemically reactive

music and writing is a passion

free-styling and spoken word

i am an undercover nerd 

the lover of nouns and verbs

i am a coffee connoisseur 

im a music junkie

a penny named lucky

i love clothes that look spunky

pretty smart, not a dummy

im loves number one fan

never afraid to take a stand

self conscious about my nails and hands

in my mind plays music videos of rap and bands

i was making toast and i was inspired but i just finished my toast so...

 and i dont think this will ever end because i learn about my self more nd more ever day